Wal-Mart Miracle

From an Email:

As a pastor I get many excuses why people cannot attend church on Sunday Morning.

One particular Sunday a woman called to tell me she was sick and could not make it to church. As it so happened, that Sunday we were short on food for a mens fellowship breakfast.

I was elected to go to Wal-Mart to pick up more food. While there I ran into the sick woman, I had spoken with earlier.

I said, "I just spoke with you a few minutes ago and you told me you were ill, what happened? Did you have a sudden recovery?"

"Yep," she said. "I was just practicing that faith you preach about all the time. I thought if I went to Wal-Mart on faith, I would have my miracle! And presto I'm all better now!"

"Now that you've had your miracle," I asked, "Are you coming to church?"

"Nope," she replied emphatically, "I'm going shopping."

As she headed off down the isle she added over her shoulder, "If I received a miracle at Wal-Mart, who knows what else I can find in here!"

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas for the healthier climate.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

"Say, is this really a healthy place?"

"It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

Pontius Pilate

From a recent Email:

Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him.

As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out. "You're not loud enough."

"Pilate is at work," a voice shouted back from the stage. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight."

THE Christmas Story

Luke 2:1-38 And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor in Syria.) And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David.) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

And so it was, that while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling cloths, and laid him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them; and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger. and suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

Santa - Male or Female?

Santa Claus is a woman because:

• The vast majorities of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.
• For a he-Santa, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh.
• Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
• For a Santa man, there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repaint bricks in the flue.
• He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
• Men can't pack a bag.
• Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don't answer their mail.
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
• Having to do the 'Ho Ho Ho' thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Santa is certainly a Man!

Santa Claus is undoubtedly a man because:

• Santa doesn't deliver his presents on The Friday after Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours. Christmas Eve deliveries prove Mr. Claus to be a man.
• Santa's reindeer is so drunk that his nose glows as his navigator. A woman would never let out those cute deer to work on Christmas Eve that too in cold and perhaps would dress them in sweaters and booties.
• Only a male Santa can ignore 'fashion' and wear the same suit for 500 years.
• Santa has never been known to answer a letter.
• Women aren't interested in stockings unless someone better looking than them is wearing them.
• As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble with babes.
• Only men have the ability to stay up for 24 hours straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer and going up and down soot-infested chimneys.
• A woman would never even think of going down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet.
• Commitment requires that Christmas be on the same day each year. A female Santa would delay Christmas until she can touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving each house.